Archive for January, 2009

Like a plague…

January 31, 2009

Guilt is a horrible thing. I’ve decided that I carry too much of it around and I just can’t handle it all anymore. I feel guilty that I don’t have a better job, guilty that my relationship with my brother isn’t as strong as it used to be, guilty that I flirt and lead people on, guilty for not being able to help my relationship to work, guilty that I make other people guilty because I’m unhappy, guilty that I don’t keep in touch with people like I should, guilty for expecting people to change and act on impulse and express themselves when I know they can’t/won’t, guilty that I’m not living life to the fullest, guilty that I don’t chase the things I want  …and to top it all off I’m now pretty wracked with guilt over my Nan’s death.

She passed away early hours of Thursday morning, and I’m left feeling guilty for two reasons:

1) My Dad visited the hospital to see my Nan every single day she was there. Wednesday night I convincedhim not to go and see her but to come to the cinema with me instead. I feel so guilty because, as a result of me, my Father missed his last chance to speak to his Mother.

2) I’ve wished before now that she were dead. I’ve only ever confessed that to one other person, and when I sought absolution for this, they didn’t answer their phone. It’s not been the same since. I can’t get my mind from the fact that I wished she were gone, and now she is. It’s the kind of irrational guilt which I don’t know will ever pass…

 

“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.” ~ Coco Chanel

“Guilt is the source of sorrow. ‘Tis the fiend, th’ avenging fiend, that follows us behind with whips and stings” ~ Nicholas Rowe

Numb

January 29, 2009

I took my Dad out to the pictures last night. He didn’t go to the hospital because of me. Now it’s too late. I’m going to have to live with that…

Poptarts, crisp sandwiches & a Snickers

January 28, 2009

So I just watched the How I Met Your Mother episode ‘Three Days of Snow’ and wanted to say one word…

“penguin”

I hate the idea of dying traditions.

Singing like it’s 1982

January 28, 2009

It’s been one of those days where all I’ve really done is watch the TV. Todays pick was none other than Fame the 80s musical TV series …love it! Here’s the best songs…

Two a.m.
Eyes open
Ticking clocks and falling rain
Thoughts of you
Dancing through my mind
I can hear your voice
If only I could

Be your music
You’ll be my music
With every song we sing
Love will flow between us
Be my music
We’ll write the music
Together
Forever more

I’m playing with a
Simple phase
“I love you”
Not so simple when it’s true
What is this
Helplessness I feel
When you smile at me
Won’t you let me

Be your music
You’ll be my music
With every song we sing
Love will flow between us
Be my music
We’ll write the music
Together
Forever

I’ll be your rainy weather friend
Your nightlight
Your sunshine ’round the bend
Your star

……………………………………………………………

I thought I had it this time
I thought the dream would be mine
Hoping to fly, I fall
Oh, how I wish I just didn’t care at all

‘Cause when you don’t care, you don’t cry
It won’t hurt if you don’t try

But I still believe in all my dreams
And know that I can be
I’ll learn from mistakes
Do all that it takes
To make it eventually
‘Cause I still believe in me

I’ll find an unbreakable heart
To help me get through this part
And I swear I’ll never rest
‘Til I am standing up there with the very best

Oh, and there’s no heart that won’t break
And sometimes it’s a heartache

But I still believe in all my dreams
And know that I can be
I’ll learn from mistakes
Do all that it takes
To make it eventually
‘Cause I still believe
I still believe in me

………………………………………………………….

Here, as I watch the ships go by
I’m rooted to my shore
I keep asking myself why
And if there’s more on the other side
Here, as I see the friends I thought I’d made
A little bit crazed, knowing now
We’ve outgrown one another

Starmaker
Dream breaker
Soul taker
We’re happy now

Now when I see the things I want
I can take the things I see
But I keep asking myself why
And if there ain’t just a little bit more for me
Here, when there’s time to count the cost
I keep measuring what I lost
And wondering if you knew
It would all wind up with you

Starmaker
Dream breaker
Soul taker
We’re happy now

Here, as I watch the time go by
How I’d like to sail away
Leaving all my past behind
But I know I’d only last for a couple of days
Here stands everything I thought I’d made
It’s the only life I’ve known
And I can’t even call it my own
I got no home
I belong to you, my

Starmaker
Dream breaker
Soul taker
We’re happy now
We’re so happy now

The song in the show was to say goodbye to the retiring drama teacher Mr.Crandall, but you can really feel the emotion through the song and video as, in real life he was leaving the show because he was dying of Cancer. Gets me every time.. :”(

The Book of Abby

January 28, 2009

Abby has left ER after 10 years. It was sad to see her go. These were her final words, quoted from the Bible as a voice over. I kinda like them…

 

Why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of soul, to those who long for death that does not come, who search for it more than for hidden treasure, who are filled with gladness and rejoice when they reach the grave? For sighing comes to me instead of food; my groans pour out like water. What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.

Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep?  Have the gates of death been shown to you? What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside? Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this…

Gloves & gowns

January 27, 2009

Sadly, this blog is not nearly as kinky as the title would suggest, but in fact an update on all things hospital and my nan related. As if things couldn’t get worse, the nurses now tell us that she has picked up one of those bugs that you only get from staying in hospitals. This basically means that she is in a room shut off by herself, and when we visit her now we have to wear gloves and gowns. While my parents and I visited on Sunday, we actually managed to speak to a doctor and the news seemed worse again. As she isn’t on any solids at the moment, she is on an IV, but is still getting really dry. To try and compensate for this, they basically put her on an even bigger drip (from what I understand…), but then this has gone too far the other way now and is causing fluid to build up on her lungs. All in all it doesn’t sound too good, and to top it off, the doctor explained that in the case of her heart stopping, she is a DNR  (do not resuscitate) – never a fun thing to hear. The nurses are all really worried about her, and though everyone keeps saying “she’s a tough old bird” I can’t help thinking “no she’s not…”

We all have secrets…

January 25, 2009

…some of us just decide to make them public.

secrets

escape

onback_thisismysigntogoback1

Drink & Regret…

January 24, 2009

…a couple that seem rather fond of each other.

My problem when I get drunk (such as happened last night) is that I decide it’s a good idea to text people. Now without such feature as an ‘outbox’ to make sure your mistakes were not too grave …if you’re anything like me, you’re left in the morning with the feeling in the pit of your stomach that you said something you really shouldn’t have, and all in all are pretty screwed! What I need to do is learn to just set aside that annoying piece of technology for the night, and have fun with what’s going on around me rather than entering into the world of text dramatics, confessions, anger or flirting – all of which to different people!

Most annoyingly was entering into a particular conversation which I really didn’t want to start …again. But alas, cider has its powers! There’s only so many times that you can hear “I’m sorry” you know? Eventually you just want to make it clear that that’s not good enough. I don’t want to hear sorry, I want to hear that something is being done about it. I’m just sick of it all. Sober me really thought I was getting over it too, but apparently Cider Laura has other plans. I guess I just have this romantic notion where I want deserve to be fought for. Maybe that’s just not meant to be. I hate the idea of being left to fade into the distance. I always thought that I was good at that kind of gesture, and I guess I just wanted a piece of it. You know that bit in the Parent Trap where the mother storms out and the father doesn’t follow? That’s life. I just want to skip to the end of the movie, where the next time she leaves, he’s there waiting for her, determined not to let her go… I just want that movie ending. I want to be loved and wanted. No, I want to know that I’m loved and wanted. I want to be worth the gesture…

 

Nick Parker: You know, I may never be alone with you again. So about that day you packed, why’d you do it?
Elizabeth James: Oh, Nick. We were so young. We both had tempers, we said stupid things so I packed. Got on my very first 747, and you didn’t come after me.
Nick Parker: I didn’t know that you wanted me to.

………………………………………………………………………………………

[After Hallie surprises Elizabeth and Annie by arriving in London and showing up at their home before Elizabeth and Annie do]

Annie: What are you doing here?
Hallie: It took us abound 30 seconds after you guys left for us to realize we didn’t want to lose you two again.
Elizabeth James: We?
Nick Parker: [walking in from another room] We. I made the mistake of not coming after you once, Lizzie. I’m not going to do that again no matter how brave you are.
Elizabeth James: And I suppose you just expect me to go weak at the knees, and fall into your arms and cry hysterically. And say we’ll just figure this whole thing out. And, you and I just picking up where we left off and growing old together. And. And. C’mon Nick what do you expect? To live happily ever after?
Nick Parker: Yes. To all of the above. Except you don’t have to cry hysterically.
Elizabeth James: [With tears in her eyes] Oh, yes I do.
[he kisses her]

~ The Parent Trap ( 1998 )

Isn’t really new…

January 23, 2009

Is it ok if I call you mine just for a time?
And I will be just fine
If I know that you know that I’m wanting, needing your love

If I ask of you is it alright
If I ask you to hold me tight
through a cold tough night
’cause there may be a cloudy day inside
and I need to let you know that I might be needing your love

And what I’m trying to say isn’t really new
It’s just the things that happen to me when I’m reminded of you

Like when I hear your name
or see a place that you’ve been
or see a picture of your grin
or pass a house that you’ve been in one time or another
it sets off something in me I can’t explain
and I can’t wait to see you again
Oh babe I love your love

And what I’m trying to say isn’t really new
It’s just the things that happen to me when I’m reminded of you

Live life

January 21, 2009

Cancer sucks.
Terminal. No chance of chemo.
Just a wait for the end…

……………………………………………………………..
 
Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly’s erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don’t dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won’t last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask “How are you?”
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You’d better slow down
Don’t dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won’t last.

Ever told your child,
We’ll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say “Hi”?
You’d better slow down.
Don’t dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won’t last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift….
Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.