Like a plague…

Guilt is a horrible thing. I’ve decided that I carry too much of it around and I just can’t handle it all anymore. I feel guilty that I don’t have a better job, guilty that my relationship with my brother isn’t as strong as it used to be, guilty that I flirt and lead people on, guilty for not being able to help my relationship to work, guilty that I make other people guilty because I’m unhappy, guilty that I don’t keep in touch with people like I should, guilty for expecting people to change and act on impulse and express themselves when I know they can’t/won’t, guilty that I’m not living life to the fullest, guilty that I don’t chase the things I want  …and to top it all off I’m now pretty wracked with guilt over my Nan’s death.

She passed away early hours of Thursday morning, and I’m left feeling guilty for two reasons:

1) My Dad visited the hospital to see my Nan every single day she was there. Wednesday night I convincedhim not to go and see her but to come to the cinema with me instead. I feel so guilty because, as a result of me, my Father missed his last chance to speak to his Mother.

2) I’ve wished before now that she were dead. I’ve only ever confessed that to one other person, and when I sought absolution for this, they didn’t answer their phone. It’s not been the same since. I can’t get my mind from the fact that I wished she were gone, and now she is. It’s the kind of irrational guilt which I don’t know will ever pass…

 

“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.” ~ Coco Chanel

“Guilt is the source of sorrow. ‘Tis the fiend, th’ avenging fiend, that follows us behind with whips and stings” ~ Nicholas Rowe

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