This Years Girl…

Have you ever felt such an overwhelming surge of emotion that you thought you might burst? Some people feel the need to punch something etc to release this surge – I, write. Yesterday I felt this way. I cannot really explain where it came from, but I was reading The Pact by Jodi Picoult and there was a certain section in the book that just clicked something inside me, and I went in to a bit of a rage. I´ve only ever felt this once or twice before in my life, and (with my best friend the other side of the world, and nothing around I felt I could punch) before I knew it I´d written scrawled two pages of rant.

Originally I thought that I would type up this rant and post it here, but to be honest, there´s probably too much of it that would of hurt someone´s feelings a little too much. Also, you know how sometimes in the heat of the moment you can say (or write) things that, although true in that instant, seem less true once you´ve calmed down? …this was one of these such rants.

It centered around this book I mentioned, which had parts which were uncannily like my last major relationship. There was even a line of dialogue which I´d said myself!* Anyway, this sort of got me thinking about the relationship and reasons behind why it ended, and then I got mad. Basically, my memory was refreshed to someone who once told me that if they were capable of being with anyone in an emotional and physical way, it would be me. Since then I´ve found that they are with someone now …needless to say, it´s not me.

The strange thing is that I don´t know why this got me so angry. It´s been water under the bridge now for a little while, and it´s annoyed me that it took something as stupid as a similarity in a book to bring back such strong emotions. (But then I guess I was always a little sentimental like that wasn´t I?)  Maybe I´m just jealous. Maybe the idea that she has someone else now and I don´t just got to me. I´m not really sure. My head is a mess of jumbled emotions. All I know is that I need to get over it, and I´m still not sure the best way of doing that.

Waiting hasn´t done me any good. I  don´t  can´t want this anymore.

Laura Perry
Santa Susanna
22 August 2009

___________________________________________

*  “I, um, I have this problem. I broke up with my boyfriend you see. And I’m pretty upset about it, so I wanted to talk to my best friend.” She swallowed and looked at the black ground. “The thing is, they’re both you.”

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